Foster Parents No More?

Multi-tasking

I haven't wanted to update this blog because I wasn't sure what I would say about this very sad part of our lives. I knew that I couldn't skip over it but I needed time to process my feelings. I wrote a blog post in February indicating that it had become extremely difficult to be a foster parent and that we had considered putting in our notice to have the baby removed but that we had felt inspired that God wanted us to keep him in our home for the time being. Unfortunately that time was very short as we did end up putting in our notice only a month after publishing that post.

Our reasons for doing so were many but NONE had to do with our ability to care for and love sweet Baby J. I am deeply resentful of the foster care system in our country and I could talk on and on about terrible caseworkers and guardians who didn't give a thought to what was best for the child instead doing what was easiest for them. BUT I am not going to because when I do I am filled with anger and pain. I can however easily and gratefully praise the diligent and caring workers at our agency who tried so hard to make our placement work. They believed that our home was best for the baby and worked hard to keep it that way. In the end it was our call and on the last day of March he left our home. What it came down to was the stress was too great and it was negatively impacting our family's mental, emotional and physical resilience. 

We appreciate the love and support extended to us throughout the 10 months that Baby J was in our home. THANK YOU! He is such a special baby and I pray continually that he will attach well in his new foster home and that our Heavenly Father continues to bless and protect him so that he can grow up in a safe and loving home.

Many people ask us if we will continue to be foster parents and the answer right now is, "we don't know." We are currently "On Hold" at our agency so that we will not receive any calls until July. I don't know how we will feel when July comes around. We can only wait and see.

Full Disclosure

Okay, it is time to be honest. When I haven't posted in a long time it usually means I am up to something and I just don't want to tell anyone about it. Last night after book club my B.F.F. Christie and I sat up discussing many things and during that conversation I realized (after I was gently informed) that I have many irrational fears that keep me from being open with people and having hope. Generally I don't have this problem one-on-one but when it comes to making things public I only chose to do so when I feel that I am past the point of no return. With my pregnancy with Ravenna, Andrew and I announced it to our families at 20 weeks and many many people didn't learn until much later. It isn't that I like to hide things for the thrill of having a secret but more because I am afraid that if I share them openly, they won't happen.

Is this true for anyone else?

So, what is this big secret that Andrew and I have been hiding from friends, family and the general populace? Well, for the past few months we have been training to become certified foster parents. Yup, that is it. Nothing huge or horrible but I was so afraid of anyone finding out for fear that it wouldn't work out and then having to tell people that it didn't work out (Ack, heartbreak city!), or that people would automatically put a stigma of "messed up" on any child that came into our home (that still will probably happen), that people would label us as "quitters" for not making more of an effort to have another biological child etc. Oh my goodness that list could go on FOREVER! I can think of a million reasons to not tell people that we were becoming foster parents but after talking to Christie I realized that I needed to just let go...which for me is harder than it sounds.

My friend Jenni often talks about the benefits of "Letting go, and letting God" but I really REALLY want to control my universe and the whole not being able to plan my family thing? I really don't love that. I do have to try to accept that this is the direction that Heavenly Father wants us to go in for whatever reason. Part of that acceptance is a willingness to give up some of my "control" and that is why I am sharing.

Since many people know little to nothing about foster care I am going to use this next bit to answer some of Andrew and Carrie's Foster Parent FAQ:

Q: Which age group will you accept? At the moment we are open to a single child 0-3 or a sibling group 0-5 due to a desire to keep the ages closer to what we are used to and restrictions on rooming.

Q: Are you going to try to adopt the children you foster? The goal with foster care is almost always reunification with biological parents. Occasionally that isn't possible and parental rights are terminated, in which case it is preferable that the children remain with their foster family and be adopted. We are open to that but it is by no means guaranteed.

Q: If you want to adopt why do foster care at all? Adoption is very expensive and can take a very long time (yes, even through LDS Family Services) and we did not feel that a traditional adoption route was what we needed to consider.

Q: What kinds of special needs are you going accept? In the foster care terminology, every child that comes into care is a "special needs" child. We are getting additional certification so that we can foster medically fragile children, however.

Q: When will you get your first placement? We just completed our homestudy and our goal is to be certified in the next two weeks. After that, it all depends on the children that come into care and whether or not the county Child and Youth selects us to be foster parents. Most children coming into care are 6 years and older meaning that the chances that we will get a foster child are somewhat slimmer than foster parents of older children, but this age group is what we were comfortable with and so that is what we ended up doing. In the meantime we will be a respite and emergency foster care placement family.

Q: How much do you get paid? Sufficient for our needs. Nobody gets rich off of doing foster care, or they really shouldn't if the agency is doing their job.

Any other questions? I am sure there are others but the above are the questions that have come up most often amongst the people we have told. So far the majority of our friends and family have been very supportive. There is a lot of ignorance about foster care and foster parents, which is understandable because we certainly knew very little to begin with. I am open to questions and I will do my best to answer them. Andrew and I are very much looking forward to having more children in our home no matter what challenges may come with them.

Thoughts on Mediocrity upon Making a Potato Salad

Dinner: Shrimp Fritters, Potato Salad, 

& Mandarin Oranges

Today I made potato salad with the last of the beautiful organic Yukon Gold potatoes that I bought in the Fall from a nice Amish farmer. Ravenna was napping, the house was clean and the dishwasher humming in the background was the perfect music for a wandering mind. I considered my accomplishments to this point and discerned, as I had many times in the past, that there was no particular thing that I was especially good at.

You would think that for a perfectionist this occasional realization would be a maddening reminder, but for me, as I peeled the skin off cold potatoes in the dim winter light of a north facing window, I felt a certain peace acceptance.

I quit playing the flute at 14 because my band instructor told me that I would never be really good at it, mediocre at best, and I did not really like it anyway. During high school I joined the Future Farmers of America with its numerous and diverse activities, certain that I would find something that I could be really good at. Yet, at the end of four years I was again reminded that I would never do very well in any of the many activities that I participated in and I abandoned the pursuit of a degree in agriculture for the pursuit of academic glory. Here is where I did the best. I had a knack for knowing my academic strengths and weaknesses and thus avoided classes that I would not do well in. This is not to say that I was not challenged, but I stuck with the things that I thought would lead me to eventual success, my niche, as it were. In the end I only graduated Magna cum Laude, not Summa, and missed being Valedictorian by miles. On my graduation day I cried at the loss because I had come so close. I did not need the honors, more the validation to continue in my studies. 

Moving onto to full time employment to support my husband while he finished his studies, I entered into a job as meaningless and unfulfilling as any job I have ever held. I was extremely grateful for the position that paid the bills but resentful at the fact that every morning I woke up dreading the day ahead of me. I quit that job after only 11 months believing that I was moving onto a bigger, better job and a crack at graduate school glory, but that was not in the cards for me. 

One month after quitting, I found myself pregnant with Ravenna, a delightful surprise, and all plans for further employment and graduate school were put off indefinitely. I jumped into becoming a full time housewife with all the zeal of June Cleaver. I wanted to be the best, most economical, crafty cute, organized and emotionally put-together housewife there ever was. 

Luckily, I did not let that zeal extend to motherhood. I realized early on in my pregnancy that motherhood is not something you can excel at because you are dealing with another person and to do justice to the calling, you must abandon your self-interest and give over to love, patience and compassion. To be a good mother is merely to do your very best and hope that to the little person whose care you were entrusted, that it will be enough. 

And so, folding cubed potatoes into the creamy dressing while chatting with my husband about his day, I resigned to my mediocrity. I wish I could say that I had some great epiphany about how my inability to do anything very well fits into the Great Plan of Happiness or spiritual reassurance that my inherent divine worth as a daughter of God would make up for my lack of excellence, that is not what happened. I felt merely acceptance of what I am: a decent person and a good wife and mother, and that is enough.

Placing the bowl of salad into the refrigerator I breathed a sigh of resignation. Then I realized that I had neglected to put the hard boiled eggs into the salad. Drat!

Potato Salad

6 hard-boiled eggs

10 Red or Yukon Gold Potatoes, boiled for 15-20 minutes and cooled, peeled and cubed

1 c. Mayo

1/2 c. ranch dressing

2 tbsp. prepared yellow mustard

1 1/2 tsp. salt

1/4 tsp ground black pepper

1/8 tsp paprika

1/8 celery seed

4-6 green onions (depending on taste) sliced thinly

Stir together mayo, ranch dressing, mustard, and spices in a mixing bowl. Add eggs, potatoes and onion and stir gently until evenly mixed. Cover and refrigerate at least 2 hours before serving.

Shrimp Fritters, adapted from BHG

1 lb. peeled and deveined shrimp with tails removed, chopped

1 egg, beaten

4 green onions, thinly sliced 

1/4 c. all purposed four (I used my gluten-free baking mix)

2 tsp. Old Bay Seasoning

1/4 c. cooking oil (I used Extra Virgin Coconut Oil, which I always use when I fry)

In a small mixing bowl beat the egg. Add the shrimp and the rest of the ingredients and mix well. In a large skilled heat the oil (it is best when it is good and hot) and then add the shrimp mixture by 1/3 cup full's. I find that the best way to do this is to really pack the mixture into a 1/3 cup measure and drop it quickly into the oil. Cook for 3 minutes on each side and let drain on a paper towel. Serve immediately.

"Who Says Kids Make You Happy?"

I found this article today via MSN.com and was so sad to read what it said. http://www.newsweek.com/id/143792/page/1

I was even more saddened by the comments that people left after reading the article, such as:

"I happen to think that in this day and age, having a child is the more selfish of the two choices."

"I have to agree that married people without kids are probably happier. I know my husband and I were. I love my kids who are now 20 & 22 but if I had to do it over again I think we would have chosen to remain childless. Sure there were wonderful times but once they got older & started school, it became less wonderful. Perhaps if my husband and I shared a parenting style it would have been less difficult but it's too late now. When you really think about it do people have children for the right reasons or just because it is expected of them?"

Ok, I haven't been a mother for that long but honestly, I have never been so happy before. Every day I wake up and know that I am doing something sacred and wonderful, and that alone brings me great happiness. I love the quote by Julie Beck in this month's VT'ing message:

"Women have distinct assignments given to them from before the foundation of the world...These are vital responsibilities in the plan of happiness, and when women embrace those roles with all their hearts, they are happy!"

I couldn't agree more! Yes, parenting is difficult and sometimes not very fun. No, I can't do all the things I could do before I was a parent, but I wouldn't trade my child for the so called "freedom" that you have being without children. Has my marital happiness decreased? Heck, no! Seeing my husband as a father makes me love him a hundred times more. We actually appreciate our marriage much more now just because of the extra effort we have to spend making our time together special. The point that I am trying to make is that being a mother and KNOWING my divine purpose and embracing it with all my heart makes life truly joyful and everyday worth living to its fullest!