Okay, it is time to be honest. When I haven't posted in a long time it usually means I am up to something and I just don't want to tell anyone about it. Last night after book club my B.F.F. Christie and I sat up discussing many things and during that conversation I realized (after I was gently informed) that I have many irrational fears that keep me from being open with people and having hope. Generally I don't have this problem one-on-one but when it comes to making things public I only chose to do so when I feel that I am past the point of no return. With my pregnancy with Ravenna, Andrew and I announced it to our families at 20 weeks and many many people didn't learn until much later. It isn't that I like to hide things for the thrill of having a secret but more because I am afraid that if I share them openly, they won't happen.
Is this true for anyone else?
So, what is this big secret that Andrew and I have been hiding from friends, family and the general populace? Well, for the past few months we have been training to become certified foster parents. Yup, that is it. Nothing huge or horrible but I was so afraid of anyone finding out for fear that it wouldn't work out and then having to tell people that it didn't work out (Ack, heartbreak city!), or that people would automatically put a stigma of "messed up" on any child that came into our home (that still will probably happen), that people would label us as "quitters" for not making more of an effort to have another biological child etc. Oh my goodness that list could go on FOREVER! I can think of a million reasons to not tell people that we were becoming foster parents but after talking to Christie I realized that I needed to just let go...which for me is harder than it sounds.
My friend Jenni often talks about the benefits of "Letting go, and letting God" but I really REALLY want to control my universe and the whole not being able to plan my family thing? I really don't love that. I do have to try to accept that this is the direction that Heavenly Father wants us to go in for whatever reason. Part of that acceptance is a willingness to give up some of my "control" and that is why I am sharing.
Since many people know little to nothing about foster care I am going to use this next bit to answer some of Andrew and Carrie's Foster Parent FAQ:
Q: Which age group will you accept? At the moment we are open to a single child 0-3 or a sibling group 0-5 due to a desire to keep the ages closer to what we are used to and restrictions on rooming.
Q: Are you going to try to adopt the children you foster? The goal with foster care is almost always reunification with biological parents. Occasionally that isn't possible and parental rights are terminated, in which case it is preferable that the children remain with their foster family and be adopted. We are open to that but it is by no means guaranteed.
Q: If you want to adopt why do foster care at all? Adoption is very expensive and can take a very long time (yes, even through LDS Family Services) and we did not feel that a traditional adoption route was what we needed to consider.
Q: What kinds of special needs are you going accept? In the foster care terminology, every child that comes into care is a "special needs" child. We are getting additional certification so that we can foster medically fragile children, however.
Q: When will you get your first placement? We just completed our homestudy and our goal is to be certified in the next two weeks. After that, it all depends on the children that come into care and whether or not the county Child and Youth selects us to be foster parents. Most children coming into care are 6 years and older meaning that the chances that we will get a foster child are somewhat slimmer than foster parents of older children, but this age group is what we were comfortable with and so that is what we ended up doing. In the meantime we will be a respite and emergency foster care placement family.
Q: How much do you get paid? Sufficient for our needs. Nobody gets rich off of doing foster care, or they really shouldn't if the agency is doing their job.
Any other questions? I am sure there are others but the above are the questions that have come up most often amongst the people we have told. So far the majority of our friends and family have been very supportive. There is a lot of ignorance about foster care and foster parents, which is understandable because we certainly knew very little to begin with. I am open to questions and I will do my best to answer them. Andrew and I are very much looking forward to having more children in our home no matter what challenges may come with them.
17 comments:
That is wonderful! My best friend from high school is doing the same thing (though, perhaps because they haven't been able to have any children of their own, they are in a foster-to-adopt program). They currently have two children -- an infant and a toddler. And they are loving it. I haven't seen her this happy in a long time. I hope it brings you much happiness as well. :)
I feel the same way you do, I always think that if I tell someone about something that is going to happen, then it wont happen. It's a hard habit to break.
I think it's great that you are going into foster care. I have thought about doing that too, but it wouldn't fit right with us. I think there is a lack of good families that do foster care, especially here in California. These children need good, loving providers, and I am sure that you and Andrew will provide the environment that they need. Good luck!
first of all.... your profile picture is so cute!! I love it! you look adorable.
secondly - I am very much the same way. I know it doesn't seem like it b/c of my blog and all... but I actually do it force myself out of my comfort zone. if I don't blog I become reclusive and scared of everything. I challenge myself with it and it helps me a lot. Especially I don't have many in real life friends.
I think part of going through a traumatic situation or even does cause us t be extra careful abouit being public with things. For me, for instance, if I am hurting i love sympathy and beng loved on. But I CAN NOT stand being pitied. and I hate it when people see my cry (I'm working on that one b/c I think it's a wrong attitude). Therefore I become very ashamed and scared that someone might think badly of me for one reason or another if I go public with info...
anyhow ((HUGS)) I know we have so many differences, but I am so proud to call you my friend.
As you know, I too really want to be able to control my universe...and that (including my own family planning) has been quite beyond my control. I don't always listen to the still small voice, sometimes I need a 2x4 upside the head (or twice, or three times) before I get the message to back off and let God take the wheel.
It is really really really hard to do it.
But it is worth it.
I'm so glad you're finding something that feels right for you right now. And I trust that what comes next (and later down the road) will be good, whether it's fostering or adopting or giving birth again.
((hugs))
Awesome post! YGG BFF! LOL! At my comment...not your post.
Im so happy that you are going to be foster parents! In my Early Childhood studies I have learned that good foster parents are very important. It's never the child's fault what has happened in their life and I know that you and Andrew will love and treat them like your own spoiled Ravenna ;)Can't wait to meet a foster niece or nephew in the near future! I love you my beautiful sister!
What a gift it is to have a heart open to children you didn't birth. Some of our best friends here are also going through the steps to get certified and I have been very touched with the whole process, especialy as we have discussed how fostering/adoption is a gospel principle.
I imagine that this road ahead of you will also be a challenging one, but one of deep rewards as well.
I wish you all the best!
Good for you letting go of some of that control. It takes practice, and every little step helps.
I'm so glad you shared this info about foster care, too. I look forward to reading your experiences about it.
I'm so happy for you Carrie! I grew up in a home with lots of different foster kids, coming and going. My parents have been able to adopt 3 of the children who were placed with them. They are still doing foster care, and may very well adopt 2 more kids if they get their way! I have been blessed by the experience of having foster siblings, and I know that Ravenna will too. I am excited for the journey that your family is starting! It takes a special family to love someone elses child, and you guys are just the family..
That is wonderful for you and your family! I used to work with many teens in the foster program, and while some of them fit what people think of when they think about a kid in the foster program, a lot of them were sweet and amazing kids! Best of luck!
You have our support! I grew up with a foster home down the street of mostly elementary school kids. They were awesome! I have great admiration for people who are willing to open their home and their hearts to strangers, especially to children. I wish you and your family the best with this decision. I'm glad you opened up and shared.
very cool! thanks for sharing!
How exciting! We need more gentle families to welcome foster children!
Well, you know me, I'm pretty open and can't keep secrets very well.
Fostering! Cool. What a unique challenge. I think it takes great courage and faith to do so. Certainly good to know that you are "trained" as they don't need more unsettled homes to go to. It'll be a great growing experience for your whole family. Every family member that I have whose been involved w/foster siblings/children has had wonderful outcomes and memories from it. I hope Ravenna will be old enough to remember them as well! (well, assuming you will still be doing in a couple years when her memory is greater).
That is great Carrie!
I think you guys will be wonderful. I have always wanted to be a foster parent but there really is no way for us to do that.
What a great thing you will do to give a child an example of a safe and happy home.
You will be great foster parents :) i know those fears. When we found out Ethiopia was closing I struggled with how to tell people that we may not adopt after we had told so many people. I have continued with things in the past, that i knew were not in my best interest, because I was afraid to admit my failure. You fears are understandable. I have been reading a lot of books on foster care. Actually more of stories of kids in foster care. The child called it has a sequel called The Lost Boy about his experience in foster care. It actually touched on the stigma of foster care kids and made me realize that i have some prejudices that I need to work on. There is also a book called Three Little Words that is about an older child in the system. Both are worth the read
one more book that is great called Acres of Hope. It is about a woman that adopted/fostered 12 special needs kids. She was an attachment parent too :) She wore the bigger kids in slings!
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