Foster Parents No More?

Multi-tasking

I haven't wanted to update this blog because I wasn't sure what I would say about this very sad part of our lives. I knew that I couldn't skip over it but I needed time to process my feelings. I wrote a blog post in February indicating that it had become extremely difficult to be a foster parent and that we had considered putting in our notice to have the baby removed but that we had felt inspired that God wanted us to keep him in our home for the time being. Unfortunately that time was very short as we did end up putting in our notice only a month after publishing that post.

Our reasons for doing so were many but NONE had to do with our ability to care for and love sweet Baby J. I am deeply resentful of the foster care system in our country and I could talk on and on about terrible caseworkers and guardians who didn't give a thought to what was best for the child instead doing what was easiest for them. BUT I am not going to because when I do I am filled with anger and pain. I can however easily and gratefully praise the diligent and caring workers at our agency who tried so hard to make our placement work. They believed that our home was best for the baby and worked hard to keep it that way. In the end it was our call and on the last day of March he left our home. What it came down to was the stress was too great and it was negatively impacting our family's mental, emotional and physical resilience. 

We appreciate the love and support extended to us throughout the 10 months that Baby J was in our home. THANK YOU! He is such a special baby and I pray continually that he will attach well in his new foster home and that our Heavenly Father continues to bless and protect him so that he can grow up in a safe and loving home.

Many people ask us if we will continue to be foster parents and the answer right now is, "we don't know." We are currently "On Hold" at our agency so that we will not receive any calls until July. I don't know how we will feel when July comes around. We can only wait and see.

Imagining Foster Parenting

Almost one year to today I wrote a blog post publicly announcing our journey to become foster parents and the outpouring of support that we received with that announcement bolstered our courage as we completed the tasks needed to become certified. After we got our first placement of a 14 year old pregnant teen in May of 2011 we were overwhelmed then by the love and generosity shown to us by our family and Church. It is so strange now to look back at what the last nine months have been for us and how different this journey has been than I ever imagined.

I never imagined that the aforementioned teenager would leave our house in the middle of the night with her four week old son. When we found her room empty the next day one of the first thoughts that came into my mind was "that baby will never have a chance." I never imagined that the teen and her baby would be found a mere three days later and the baby would return to our home. At that time I thought "He must be back for a reason."

Now that little baby is a BIG eight month old joy and he is still in our home. He isn't ours. There is a good chance that he never will be. I wish that I could write that the teen parents decided to let us raise their baby and voluntarily gave up their rights to him, but I can't. I wish I could say a million things that I can't.

Being a foster parent has been one of the hardest things I have ever done. Loving a child that probably won't ever be yours is hard. Holding onto the small hope that he possibly could be is even harder. Almost weekly I receive news that breaks my heart and I pray continually for peace and endurance. There came a time a few weeks ago when Andrew and I felt that we couldn't take it anymore. The runaround of being at the beck-and-call of agency workers and the emotional turmoil of investing so much love and energy into a child whose parents just didn't seem to care about him most of the time, wore down our precious stores of patience, faith and hope.

Luckily we prayed and received blessings that confirmed to us that we needed to stick it out with this little one. God has a plan for him, even if we can't see it.

Being a foster parent is hard work. I have seen fellow foster parents totally broken by a system that doesn't work and I have been nearly there at least a dozen times. When people ask us how much longer the baby will be with us I can honestly give no good answer. For a while it was February, then January, then April, and now? Nobody can even say. It changes almost weekly!

"It feels like forever," I said to a friend today at church, but it has only been nine months. If only it could really and truly be forever. Wouldn't that be something?

Life, Interrupted

Blogging isn't really happening anymore. I look out at my garden everyday and think: "Wow! I want to take a picture to put on my blog to show how awesome and productive gardening is," but then I am called back to the reality that I have a five week old baby and a three year old in my care. Yes! Life is lovely, I am living the dream and yet, chaos abounds. One of these days I will find a spare moment when nap times magically coincide and somehow, somehow I am able to catch up on all the housework I have been neglecting. I wish I could share pictures of our little foster baby, Joseph, but it will have to suffice to say that he brings a great deal of joy to us and our home.

Certified!

Today was our final homestudy and we are officially foster parents! We don't know when we will get our first placement yet but we are looking forward to the opportunity.

Ravenna asked me to take this picture of her. Such a goofball.