Some Inspiration

For the past few months I have been following the blog So You Think You're Crafty like a ravenous reality TV fan and have been really impressed/inspired to do a lot of the crafts. Only today I discovered the links to all the crafters participating on the right side. Duh! I thought I might share some of my favorites. I would love to post pictures, but I am pretty sure that isn't cool (does anyone know the rules?), so I will just post the links to the tutorials:

• Mint-Ginger Preggo Pills:  Obviously this was more on my mind when I was pregnant but I still think it is an awesome idea and I would have really loved to have had these in my first trimester. 
• Market Produce Bags: I already have reusable grocery bags but I have never been able to find good produce bags. These are great because they are mesh and this crafter used easy to find dollar store laundry bags.
• Dinosaur Play Mat: Felt and Dinosaurs? Need I say more?

There are lots of great crafts on there but these three are ones that I think I might actually get around to making...one day.  Also, go check out one of this week's three finalists to SYTYC, Emilie (I know her in real life. It is like hanging around a crafting celebrity!).

After a Miscarriage

Everyone keeps asking how I am doing and I never answer honestly because I don't think most people really want to know, but here it goes.

Right now I hate being around many people. I have been putting off going back to Church so as to avoid the awkwardness that I have felt every time I have been around fellow Church members since the miscarriage. Everyone keeps asking how I am feeling, like I am sick. I am not sick, my baby died. I am depressed, hormonal, lonelier than I have ever been but I am not sick and I do not have a disease.

Most people stay away. They don't ask me about my miscarriage or how I am handling the loss. They just avoid it. I want to talk about it and I need to talk about it instead of pretending it didn't happen. Nobody tells you what to do after a pregnancy loss. Most people wonder if you are going to try to get pregnant again soon, but few people are bold enough to ask, and really, it is an inappropriate question.

For three whole months up until my miscarriage, and probably even before that, all my future plans had been focused on a baby, but now there is no baby and the emptiness is overwhelming. A lot of women I talked to start trying to get pregnant again right away. I guess that is a way to try to fill the emptiness, but what about people for whom that is not an option? The medical profession says that a woman should wait anywhere between 2-6 months to attempt to get pregnant again. Then you throw in people with infertility and who knows when they will be able to have another child or even IF they will get a chance at another pregnancy. So, the "experts" tell women who have recently miscarried "Don't think about getting pregnant again until you have healed." What does that even mean?

I want to know what to do NOW. I need a way to focus my energy into something that isn't baby centered or even family centered. I am not looking for more responsibilities because I can't currently seem to fulfill the ones that already have; I am looking for something for me to escape that is productive and helpful so that I can focus on something other than the emptiness. I haven't even been able to make a real meal for my family since my brain doesn't seem to work correctly, which I suppose is part of the postpartum hormonal madness. Even small, simple tasks feel incredibly difficult.

So to sum up, I am trying to get back to normal but finding that to be an overwhelming task.

Empty

Today my kind father-in-law brought us a tree; a weeping fig. It has shiny, abundant, beautiful leaves and it now sits in a corner of our living room only a few feet from where, at 2:00 this afternoon with the support of my husband and midwife, I gave birth to a baby that I will never know.

We purposely didn't tell many people of our pregnancy because for us these experiences are private and sacred. I had just passed the first trimester mark and we were beginning to get excited about the prospect of all the joys the next months would bring. Now we are struggling to come to grips with this loss and understand how this fits into God's plan for us.

Despite the pain, physical and emotional, I am grateful that I was able to give birth in the privacy of my home, naturally. I am grateful that God loves us enough to have given me and Andrew spiritual insight about this pregnancy so that we could be prepared when it did not turn out as we had wished. I am grateful for Christie and Derek who rushed over in the middle of the night to give me a priesthood blessing and be with our daughter while we went to the emergency room. I am grateful for Jenni for being so honest about her experiences and helping me to know what to expect with a missed miscarriage. I am so very grateful for Jillynn for calling me as soon as she found out and crying with me. I am so very grateful for a husband who stayed up with me as I labored in the early morning hours and supported me when the pain became too great and I became discouraged. I am grateful for my kind and sensitive midwife, Mary, who came to be with us and help us through the final stages. Lastly, I am grateful for the many prayers prayed on our behalf.

If this is hard for you to understand or you don't know what you could do or say that could possibly help, Jenni blogged about this based on her own experiences. Perhaps reading her post might help you in the future if you are ever in the position to help someone who has miscarried.

Happy Anniversary to US!

August 12, 2004

Six years, three states, five LDS wards, three apartments, one house, zero pets, assorted crunchiness and one child later we are still in love and enjoying life together as DrewCarrie! Happy Anniversary to US!