Everyone keeps asking how I am doing and I never answer honestly because I don't think most people really want to know, but here it goes.
Right now I hate being around many people. I have been putting off going back to Church so as to avoid the awkwardness that I have felt every time I have been around fellow Church members since the miscarriage. Everyone keeps asking how I am feeling, like I am sick. I am not sick, my baby died. I am depressed, hormonal, lonelier than I have ever been but I am not sick and I do not have a disease.
Most people stay away. They don't ask me about my miscarriage or how I am handling the loss. They just avoid it. I want to talk about it and I need to talk about it instead of pretending it didn't happen. Nobody tells you what to do after a pregnancy loss. Most people wonder if you are going to try to get pregnant again soon, but few people are bold enough to ask, and really, it is an inappropriate question.
For three whole months up until my miscarriage, and probably even before that, all my future plans had been focused on a baby, but now there is no baby and the emptiness is overwhelming. A lot of women I talked to start trying to get pregnant again right away. I guess that is a way to try to fill the emptiness, but what about people for whom that is not an option? The medical profession says that a woman should wait anywhere between 2-6 months to attempt to get pregnant again. Then you throw in people with infertility and who knows when they will be able to have another child or even IF they will get a chance at another pregnancy. So, the "experts" tell women who have recently miscarried "Don't think about getting pregnant again until you have healed." What does that even mean?
I want to know what to do NOW. I need a way to focus my energy into something that isn't baby centered or even family centered. I am not looking for more responsibilities because I can't currently seem to fulfill the ones that already have; I am looking for something for me to escape that is productive and helpful so that I can focus on something other than the emptiness. I haven't even been able to make a real meal for my family since my brain doesn't seem to work correctly, which I suppose is part of the postpartum hormonal madness. Even small, simple tasks feel incredibly difficult.
So to sum up, I am trying to get back to normal but finding that to be an overwhelming task.
13 comments:
Carrie,
I haven't checked your blog for several weeks, so I was surprised to read about your miscarriage. I went through similar emotions during my two miscarriages and also the failed IVF attempts. With the miscarriages in particular, I felt like I was trying to hold on to it, or maybe be in denial? I felt like I had just lost my ONLY chance at being pregnant. Not only that, but the thought of getting pregnant again made me sick because I wanted THIS baby, not another one. When anyone talked to me, about the miscarriage or not, I felt that I would start bawling. I felt out of control and unstable. And even though Brett was very supportive and sad, I felt unusually alone in the grieving process. I felt so empty. I did heal, but the memory still stings. Becoming pregnant with Parker was tainted by my fears and even though I have a baby, it did not cure my loss. I hope these words help. It helped me to google blogs about miscarriage and read how other people felt.
loves,
Heather
Carrie, I really wish I knew what to say. It's times like these that I wish I had more wisdom and experience than I possess. Grieving is certainly a process--and as painful as it is, it is healthy to go through the process. Keep talking about it, writing about it, and doing whatever comes naturally to you to experience your process. If you need to paint, cry, take a day (or a week), or whatever it takes to deal with the emotions, take the time you need. There is no set time-line for healing from a miscarriage. But, as time passes, you will know when you have healed. If you want to chat, let me know and I'll send you my number on facebook.
though it's not the same at all, you know i'm with you in spirit. And if you do need a change of pace you know our home is always open to you. I wish so badly I could be THERE for you.
the rest I will save for future emails between us.... I just couldn't not comment on such a heartfelt post. it just wells my eyes up with tears.
love you! <3
Carrie,
I am so very sorry for your loss. I have not experienced this, but have two sisters that have, as well as a sister that was lost to miscarriage. I wish I could be there to cry with you.
It is heartbreaking when this happens.
You and your family are in our thoughts and prayers.
Love, Becky
I know words can't really solve anything right now. I wish I could come over and just sit with you and talk--please feel free to open up to me anytime you see me on FB or wherever (send me PMs or something) if you're needing to talk. I know I definitely felt that need too.
There are three of us working on the nonprofit now. We plan to officially launch the website in October (infant loss awareness month), but we hope to have a facebook page up sooner. One of the key parts of the website will be a place specifically for sharing stories, for talking about our babies and our experiences. I think that most mothers feel that need as a part of their grieving process. I know it doesn't help reduce your own pain, but at least know you're not alone.
I think when people ask how you are doing they ARE referencing your feelings...not your physical wellness. And, of course you are not going to respond to everyone honestly, buit I do think it would be good to choose one or two friends and tell them what you need.
In my experience, everyone wants to help and many have been through a similar situation. But everyone mourns differently. Some want to be around people and some want to bar far from them. Some want to cry their eyes out to a friend and others want to deal with their emotions privately. I think connecting with one or two women whom you trust and are close with and letting them know exactly how they can help would be a blkessing for both you and them during this time.
And like you said, some people feel awkward and don't know how to help, so this is a chance for a growing experience to seek out assistance and ask for it from those you are close to.
We are praying for your family at this time. For your souls to be comforted in some small way, although I think to mounrn this loss is natural and needed to heal.
And though you will not be the same, I think the pain can lessen as time passes, through leaning on friends and through the comforting influence of the Holy Ghost.
Carrie, my heart goes out to you right now. You expressed my emotions exactly. I felt/feel the same way. People do seem to stay away or avoid the subject. I too, want to talk about it and if I cry, yell, or get mad - let me. Even now, there are times when the reality hits me and I am overwhelmed with emotion.
I wish I could offer you suggestions of what to try, ways to occupy yourself, to fill the void you now feel. I can say that time will help, being around family will help, watching cornball, silly movies will help. For now do for you. I know the simple tasks are difficult so don't overwhelm yourself with trying to do everything in your normal routine.
You and your family are in my prayers, but you especially. You will get through this.
I love you!
All I can do is say I love you.
Carrie, I'm so sorry to hear what happened! You're in my heart and my prayers! We love you!
Hey I still want to go apple picking next week and do applesauce. If you are interested, let me know. We can go to Masonic together to pick and then can together. I love having someone to do it with too. Otherwise it gets really monotonous.
Hey Carrie,
I feel like such a horrid friend because I didn't even know you were pregnant. I can only imagine the loss you are feeling and I am grateful to have been able to read this because it truly offers some phenomenal perspective. Healing is most definitely needed and I wish I could be there to hang out with you and help you deal in whatever way I could. Know that you are in the prayers of many and someday, you will heal. I really wish there was more I could say or do to help. I guess you should also know that I'm here to help you in whatever capacity I can or you need. =) I know that Heavenly Father has great things in mind for you and your family...
Carrie, I love you. I am one of "those" people who either puts my foot in my mouth or says nothing at all and judges from a distance. It's hard to know what the other want you to say/not say. So usually, I don't say anything at all. I'm a social retard though.
One of my other good friends just miscarried last week. You can read about her feelings here if you'd like. http://meganjorgensen.blogspot.com Maybe it will help, idk.
Try not to struggle alone and DON"T feel guilt for what you are not accomplishing right now. OR you could start at Etsy shop (sell your vintage finds), that's what I did! :)
Don't know where you and Andrew are emotionally weeks later. I know that I still feel sensitive years later about our loss, and my heart crumpled when I heard about your loss.
We love you, and if you have a rough day and want support, feel free to call us.
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