Lately I have been concerned about Ravenna's development. A lot of my friends babies around the same age are already rolling over and sitting up unsupported, whereas Ravenna, not so much. I worry if there is something that I have done to cause her developmental delay. Yeah, I know, babies all develop in their own time frame and the "normal" period of development for these milestones is between 3-6 months. I also realize that I shouldn't compare my child to other children, but hey, I am a mom!
When expressing my concerns to a middle aged female acquaintance of mine with two grown children, I stumbled upon a world of unhelpful advice I never dreamed I would find, and have since noticed its effects far and wide. I call it: "My Kid is Better than Your Kid Syndrome" and it seems to afflict mom's everywhere. The most obvious symptom of this affliction is a classic disregard for normal conversation etiquette in order to insert comments about how great their children are. A classic example, as demonstrated by my conversation with the above middle-aged female subject, you may observe below (this is based on actual events):
Woman: "How is the baby doing?"
Me: "She is doing just fine, but I am a bit worried that she is not rolling over yet."
Woman: "Oh, well, I wouldn't worry, you can't expect your child to be as smart as Devin (name changed) is. Yes, he rolled over at three months, sat up on his own at four, and was crawling by five. But he wasn't a normal baby."
Me: "..." I am speechless as this point.
Woman: "Oh, don't look so worried. My babies have always been smarter than the average. Ravenna will catch up in her own time. Just look at how well she holds up her head."
Me: (Trying hard not to laugh) "Yeah, she will catch up."
Though these weren't the exact words she and I used, they were pretty close and the "you can't expect your child to be as smart as Devin" is spot on. Why on earth do women do this to each other? As if being a new mom isn't hard enough, to have someone tell you that your child isn't up to par or just average is supposed to be helpful? Isn't a little early to be setting the bar so high for kids? Luckily I have a good sense of humor and filed this one away in the old "brain box" to share with y'all in hopes that you can come up with some wittier comebacks.
8 comments:
I think it's more common for mothers to be in your situation -- worried that their children aren't developing normally -- than for them to be arrogant about like that woman you talked to was. But that doesn't stop us from feeling like our children are being judged just the same.
I was often somewhat concerned about Garrett not reaching certain milestones at the times "experts" told me to expect them. He didn't roll over (tummy to back) until he was about a year -- and even now he still doesn't do it too often because he prefers to pull himself up like he's doing a sit up. It took him FOREVER to learn to sit up independently, and once he did, he showed absolutely no interest in reaching for things and consequently learning how to crawl. In fact, he didn't learn to crawl until he was a few weeks shy of his first birthday. I'd get worried when the doctor was concerned about his scant weight gain, even though I knew his eating habits were just fine. I found myself constantly comparing Garrett to other babies his age -- and it never failed to make me worry, to make me question my abilities to take good care of my boy, to wonder if Garrett was normal.
By his first birthday, though, it suddenly dawned on me that he is normal. He's his own normal. So what if it took him 4 months longer than most babies to learn to crawl? He eventually learned. And he's just fine. I'm his mother, and I've got this fantastic gut that lets me know when something truly is wrong and when things will be fine if I'm only a little more patient. This realization has been an especial help as I've watched him take forever to learn to walk...a lot of babies his age learned 3 months ago what he's finally figuring out. But you know what? That's okay. He took a long time to reach other milestones, so it's only natural that the walking milestone will come in his own time as well.
Wow, this is getting long. (Sorry.) Bottom line, though, is trust your gut, listen to your mother/-in-law and Ravenna's doctor, and remember that she is her own normal. And that it's wonderful. (And that it's quite likely that someday she'll totally kick little Devin's trash at math/kickball/dare-devilish behavior.) :)
Wow. I think the only response I would have for that is to smile and nod. And, then I would think to myself that she's probably over-compensating for her child's lack of SOMETHING. I'll bet that poor child suffers from Helicopter Mom syndrome or an "I can never be good enough" complex and his adult life will be severely affected by it. :) One more thing--since this mom was comparing a little boy to Ravenna, then it's almost a given that he would be developing physical motor skills earlier than she would. I know there are exceptions to this idea, but most little boys I've seen tend to master the physical tasks much earlier than girls do. But, on the other hand, little girls develop language skills at a much earlier age than boys. If they were the same age, Ravenna would be talking circles around that little boy before their 2nd birthday!
In the mean time, I think it's great that you're concerned about Ravenna's development. It does sound like she's not doing things when BabyCenter or the pediatrician's guidebook says she should. I think you know how she's REALLY doing, though. Kallie was a little ahead of the average for doing all of those things, which made Whitney's slower-than-average development seem lightyears behind. I like to think that both of my kids have had un-rushed time to develop at their own pace. And, in the end, knowing that they're loved no matter what they do/not accomplish is the most important thing!
Are our children twins? Alondra is now 6 months old and has only rolled over twice. And that was like 2 months ago, she seems to have no interest in it. She does other things like turning herself in a circle pretty quick while on her back and pushing herself backwards when on her tummy. I've been worried about it and praying and finally feel like she is fine, just doing things on her own time, but with no problems or actual delays.
Fortunately nobody has said anything stupid to me! Sorry I don't have any advice for witty comebacks.
Going off what Amanda said, the only witty comeback I could come up with is, "Well, it's a shame (Devin) will have such high expectations to live up to when he gets older." But yeah, on the spot, I'm bad at coming up with those things. :(
In the grand scheme of things, the couple months longer that it takes one child to learn something than another child is really not that large of an amount of time. It's so silly when we constantly compare our babies... I was beyond bothered when someone posted a thread on Babycenter because they were frantically worried about the fact that their 15-month-old wasn't talking. And here I am with an almost 2 year old who is WAY behind in what the doctors say his speech should be. I have to constantly remind myself that Carter is developing and growing at his own pace, and that is a-ok. And in my opinion, how "gifted" a child is when they are really young is not a huge indication about how smart they'll be when they get older.
You are a fantastic mom (better than me!) and I KNOW you're doing as much as you can to help Ravenna learn and grow. She's extremely lucky to have you as a mom. So just ignore those fuddy duddy moms out there who think their children are superior to all others. It's ok to have pride in your own children, but remember that other's children are just as wonderful.
Oh, and if it makes you feel any better, I'm pretty sure Carter didn't sit on his own until he was around 7 months old.
I hate one-uppers. I am going to blog about it right now. lol. I wanted to share a video about it. lol.
Sometimes it feels like infants are seen like some kind of show ponies. "Does your's do and tricks?' I really hate it. Also I really had no desire to have a kid under one walking. I'm sure Venna is fabulous. What a weirdy that mom you mentioned was.
I wonder if no one ever complimented this mother or her children so she had to brag about it herself to feel validated and that became habit with her.
Then again, ego like that, maybe there's a reason.
I'm proud of you that you managed a response. I would have been sitting there with my jaw dropped open thinking "OH NO YOU DIDN'T JUST SAY THAT!'
Hey, this post has been here a while but I just saw it. Anyway, I put up a post of Hailey when she turned 6 months naming all the things she could do. I'm happy and excited for her (as her mom) but I honestly had no intent of "showing off" to other people and I hope if you read it you didn't feel that I was! I know how you feel though. I felt the same when Miles was a baby--although now with Hailey I've kinda forgotten all about that. Your post reminded me of those feelings. I think as time goes on and they grow up each kid has strengths and weaknesses unique to themselves and it gets a lot harder for moms to try to compare. (Thank goodness.) I'm sorry you had a run in with a mom like that.
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