I just read such a beautiful home birth story on a friend's blog and it got me thinking about my own birth experience. For those who don't know, I chose to be induced when I was 41 weeks and 4 days. At that point I was emotionally spent and very ready to have the baby. Technically I could have waited 3 more days (possibly more, but I didn't ask).
When I went into the hospital at 7 AM with my husband and doula, I was already in early labor having regular contractions about 3 minutes apart, but not very intense, and I was 3 cm dilated and 90% effaced. We three decided to wait it out a while to see if I progressed. Unfortunately two hours later, the Pitocin was started. According to the L&D nurse, who wasn't very nice anyway, I wasn't progressing fast enough so she kept increasing the dose every hour or so. Four hours after starting the Pitocin I had only progressed to 4 cm and I was getting very discouraged. A hospital is a TERRIBLE place to have a slow, calm labor. Even though I had done my research and felt strongly for as few interventions as possible before I entered the hospital, I began to cave under the pressure of the mean nurse and the one midwife I didn't like. So, I let them break my water.
Looking back, I think that was where I gave up control of my birth. What I can remember from the experience was shaking uncontrollably and the student midwife (who delivered my baby BTW) asking me what was wrong. I told her it was just the contractions, but really, I was scared out of my wits! I had never been afraid of giving birth up to that point. After the waters ruptured the labor progressed quickly and the contractions became unmanageably intense (thank you, Pitocin!). Things continued to go down hill from there.
I will stop there because this is getting too long, but the conclusion that I have come to is that there is NO WAY, unless it is absolutely necessary, that I will EVER deliver in a hospital again. I didn't get to push in the position I wanted. In fact, I felt tricked into birthing in an unfavorable position. I was shocked by how many people were in the room when I was about the deliver; it ruined my focus and it was entirely unnecessary. No body asked me if they could come in. I still don't know why they were there. Birth should be peaceful and relaxed, not a circus! The worst part is that once the baby was out, she was on my stomach briefly then whisked away. I felt totally robbed! My baby was crying and I was strapped into stirrups, unable to go to her. Then I wasn't even allowed to deliver my placenta in my own time. Now, don't get me wrong, I had protested these things while they were going on, but I couldn't move much less assert my rights. I am grateful for my doula for supporting me while the machine raged around me. How lonely I would have been if she had not been there holding my hand and comforting me (Andrew was with the baby making sure they didn't do anything to her that they weren't supposed to).
The sad thing about all of this was, I had a birth plan and everyone in the room was aware of what I wanted. Only my doula respected those things. There are lots of other things that displeased me about my hospital birth, but I think the cards were a bit stacked against me. I am not trying to say "don't give birth in a hospital!" because I know people who had very satisfying births there. Perhaps the purpose of this experience was to teach me to go with my gut, and have a home birth. I never wanted to give birth in a hospital in the first place. Why did I do it, then? Well that is fodder for another post, another day.
5 comments:
Just a birth doula, who wandered here by chance (google alerts lead me to lots of odd places). I just wanted to give you a pat on the back for trying so hard to have a thoughtful, conscious birthing. Please don't beat yourself up for getting caught up in the cogs of the hospital machinery, all women do. Next time will be better!
Where did you deliver?
I am sorry you had such a bad experience! Were you able to go naturally, as you hoped?
Ya, I hated some of my nurses too. I hope the next delivery will go as you please.
I was at American Fork Hospital which is supposed to be more natural birth friendly, but I guess I just got unlucky. I didn't have a "natural" birth (free from medical interventions) aside from the fact that I didn't have an epidural.
I wouldn't say I had a bad experience so much as I didn't have the experience that I wanted, which was a calm and joyful one. I missed so much of the joy because I felt that I was surrounded by fear, and fear is definitely contagious.
Thank you for sharing this Carrie. I am sorry as well. I look back on my experience with Utah Valley and I got put through the assembly line of routine interventions. Granted, at the time I knew nothing of natural birth and just did what everybody told me. I am grateful for the information I now have and I feel similar to you that to have another hoppital birth would be so stressful(defending your birth plan) that home is going to be the safest place for me and my next baby. Thank you again for sharing this on your blog. I will see you soon. - Sarah
Sorry to hear that things didn't go as planned. Don't worry! I have to agree with heidi that the second time around things really do seem smoother and better. (Although I gratefully use epidurals , and have no problems or regrets doing so...) You're such a good mom for striving have things just the way you decide that you want them. I think as moms and women we are the #1 people looking out for the best interest in our kids and ourselves.We've got to speak up and stand up for what we believe to be best. We've got to follow our feelings and the Spirit--even when it goes against what "everybody else" might be doing. So good job on doing your best to follow what you felt was best from the beginning!
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